Gridiron Grumble 

Happy September to you, everyone. Of course as we reach September every year our thoughts naturally turn to the autumn, the kids’ return to the classroom, and the official end to the summer holiday season, The Labour Day weekend. There is one other event that marks the official arrival of autumn and that is the classic Labour Day clash between the Edmonton Eskimos and the Calgary Stampeders, a renewal of the long-standing bitter rivalry between two of the CFL’s most storied franchises.

Well, ordinarily that is the case but as we head into this year’s game; neither side has exactly covered themselves in glory. I will quite honestly admit up front that I am  Eskimos fan and the fact that Calgary is struggling this year as well does not upset me in the least. The truth is that I look forward to their continued ineptness every game. I wouldn’t be an Edmonton fan otherwise.

Unfortunately, it takes away from the sheer pleasure of gloating when the Eskimos aren’t any better for the second season in a row. In fact, going into the Labour Day game, the teams have identical 3-4-1 records. I expected better from Edmonton this year after the misfits and the malcontents were jettisoned at the beginning of the season although even last year the coaching abilities of Danny Maciocia worried me. I thought that maybe with the negative influences in the dressing room gone, we would finally see a confident, mature Eskimo team that would cut a swathe through the CFL as in seasons past.

Alas, as it has turned out this season, my fears about the coaching strength of Danny Maciocia and company have been sadly shown to be real. The team is in the same mindset as last year-no discipline and questionable strategy. That comes from the head coach and loyal Eskimo fans must now realize where the problem lies. The Eskimos are unlikely to make the playoffs for the second year in a row and that is just plain unacceptable for a team that is usually the standard bearer for excellence in the CFL.

I must also admit here that I think Ricky Ray is a highly overrated quarterback. Yes, there I have said it. I know, I know, it’s heresy. The guy puts up the numbers you say. Unfortunately the numbers don’t include touchdowns. If you pay close attention all his completions come between the 30 yard lines. When the defensive lines tighten up in the red zone, he has a pathetic record by comparison. I understand about a weak offensive line and I understand about receivers but a quarterback as good as Ray supposedly is finds a way to overcome that.

Let’s get to the bottom line: it’s time for Maciocia to go. The guy doesn’t have it to coach the Eskimos and that has been proven for the second season in a row. That line of thinking may not be popular with other Eskimo fans but so what. Sometimes, as the old sports cliché goes, you have to call’em as you see’em. However, as this has been written before the great Labour Day clash and the Eskimos have actually beaten Calgary then I quote the late Gilda Radner, “Never mind!”

Interview (Unscheduled) With

Chief Justice Allan Wachowich 

There is a late change to the interview this month. I was originally going to interview the quick-witted and all round fun guy Ty Lund but just as I was going over my notes for my insightful questions to ask Mr. Lund there was a furious hammering at the door of the Prairie Post interview studio. When I shouted for them to stop all I heard was some incoherent bellowing.

At some risk to my personal safety as I had no idea what madman was at my door, I cautiously peered out through the tiny window and to my absolute astonishment witnessed the incredible spectacle of a disheveled Chief Justice Allan Wachowich pounding on the door with his fists and shouting something over and over which I couldn’t quite make out.

I shouted for the Chief Justice to calm down and plainly state what he meant by such a boisterous intrusion on the sanctity of the interview studio. Besides, it seemed to me that Big Al was more than a little plastered so I had no wish to engage him in any meaningful way. Finally I managed to get from him that he wanted to speak with me immediately. I tried as calmly as possible to explain that Mr. Ty Lund was on his way over for his scheduled interview and that I could not talk with the Chief Justice until some other time (preferably after he had sobered up whenever that might be). “Screw Ty,” was the uncharitable response. “I need to talk to you right now, dammit!” I pleaded with him to be reasonable, that I had Mr. Lund coming over and how difficult it was to book some time with the intellectual centre of the Stelmach government but the Chief Justice was adamant that he speak to me. “Wait just a moment,” I yelled through the window. “Let me try to call Ty Lund and re-schedule.” “There are dozhens of Ty Lundsh in thish world,” he shrieked, but there is only one Al Wachowich!” At that moment I was much inclined to agree with him.

I managed to get hold of Mr. Lund between appointments on his very busy calendar and explained the situation to him. He was slightly annoyed, as is understandable when a man of his stature is inconvenienced. Apparently he had cancelled a meeting with some high level international financiers to do my interview. I apologized profusely and asked if we might re-schedule at some point in the future. Incredibly, the dynamo of the Stelmach government has an opening in his schedule in March 2011 so I asked politely if he would consent to try this again. Graciously, he did so. The man who is too busy to be a cabinet minister any longer is a prince and I felt humbled by his magnanimousness.

Now, what to do with Big Al? “Are you going to talk to me or not?” he gurgled. I assured him that if he would just calm down I would be more than pleased to discuss whatever was so obviously agitating him. “You shon of a b***h,” he screamed. “You know what mean!”

I let him in finally and guided him with no little effort in his obvious state of impairment to the famous Naugahyde chair. “Geezush thish chair ish ugly!” he burped. “Interview me now!” he commanded.

Q. Alright, I’ll interview you since you just ruined my long awaited scheduled interview with a real political giant and I have no one else to fill the space anyway. There is one thing we need to clear up right away however.

A. Whash that, you little . . .

Q. Yeah, see that’s the thing right there. If I am going to interview you then I must insist that you use civil language. This is mostly a family friendly web site and we can’t have that kind of language assaulting the ears of the young and morally pure that frequent this site.

A. You got to be kidding me.

Q. No, I most certainly am not. The bad language will get you booted out of here.

A. Do you know who I am, you little sh**?

Q. Yes I do and I want to let you know that even if you are the Chief Justice of the Court of Queen’s Bench in Alberta you need to behave. If her Majesty herself showed up here in your condition, I would tell her the same thing. Do you understand?

A. I am Al Wachowichowicho-you know who I am!

Q. Do you understand?

A. Undershtand what? What the hell are we talking about? Did the interview shtart already? Did I mish anything?

Q. Do you understand about the bad language?

A. Don’t badger the witlesh, I mean witnesh. I am only going to tell you about thish once and then I’ll charge you with contempt so fasht it’ll make your pointy head shpin! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Q. What’s so funny?

A. Pointy head shpin! Ha ha ha ha ha, jusht like a top! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Q. Justice Wachowich, please.

A. You have to go to the pisher?

Q. No.

A. Well I shure ash hell do! Don’t run away cuz the Big Boy of the Bench will be right back. Shpeaking of the Big Boy if you cash my drift, where’sh the pisher?

Q. Good grief. It’s over there. This is turning out to be a disaster.

*   *   *

Q. I wonder what the heck he’s doing in there. He’s been gone for over ten minutes. I hope he didn’t pass out. Chief Justice, Chief Justice, are you okay in there?

A. Whash your problem, buddy?

Q. Nothing. You hadn’t returned and I was afraid you passed out so I came in to check on you.

A. A likely shtory. You were trying to shpy on ol’ Al wasn’t you?

Q. Of course not.

A. I know your type. You wash trying to shpy on Big Al in the pisher, you prevert!

Q. No, Justice Wachowich I have no desire to spy on you in the bathroom believe me.

A. Thash what they all shay.

Q. Look, will you just come back and sit down. Here, let me help you.

A. Unhand me, shir! Keep your grubby pawsh off theshe judish, judi, jidishu, black robesh!

Q. Alright, alright, whatever you say but just come back and sit down please.

A. There ish no need to take that voice of tone with me. I am quite capa, cupo, cabobu, cupobab, I can do it myshelf. What did you want to shpeak to me about?

Q. Actually you came knocking on my door asking to speak to me.

A. I did? Yesh, of coursh I did. Don’t you try to weashle out of it! I am shick and tired of you writing ash if I wash drunk all the time.

Q. Oh now I get it.

A. Get what?

Q. What you were saying.

A. What wash I shaying? Shometimesh I don’t pay attenshun when I am shaying shumpting.

Q. This is just pathetic. Look, Al . . .

A. That would be Chief Jushtus Al to you, of the Coorsh, no, the Court of Queensh Bensh. I am important, buddy and don’t you forget it. Have you got any Coorsh? If itsh the Queensh Bensh let her polish it ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Q. I have no alcohol whatsoever.

A. Thash a shame. Shay did you notish that shame shounds the shame when your inebr, inebra, inebier, drunk?

Q. I hadn’t really thought about it, no.

A. Can I be sherioush for a moment?

Q. I hope so and for more than a minute. Weren’t you trying to make a point?

A. No, that wash your head ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Q. How very droll.

A. I am very tired right now.

Q. Oh for crying out loud, don’t go to sleep.

A. Don’t lecture the court. The defensh reshtsh. I resht too! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Q. Wake up! Wake up! You can’t sleep here.

A. Ish it time for school already?

Q. Will you please wake up? I am going to get you some coffee.

A. Never toush the shtuff. Got any shcosh or ry-eye? 'Shcuse.

Q. No, I told you I have no alcohol here whatsoever, nothing, nada, rien, nichts.

A. I warned you before, don’t talk dirty.

Q. This is ridiculous. You are obviously in no condition to carry on even a simple conversation. An interview with probing questions is impossible.

A. I shaid no dirty talk! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Q. He’s gone again. I am so sorry folks. I know how much you were looking forward to the incredible mind of Ty Lund and what insights we could have garnered today but thanks to this lush that all disappeared in an alcoholic haze. I guess I had better call a cab for the Chief Justice.

A. Who you calling a cab? Zzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Q. Ah, now he’s drooling on his robes. Let me get a towel. I hope that cab gets here soon. Until next month, heck it’ll take me that long to get Chief Juiced Al out the door!

Tumbleweed of the Month

Illegal Procedure 

This month’s Tumbleweed is an old nemesis of this site but even having said that, one has to grudgingly admire the old boy’s ability to keep himself in the news and favourably at that for the most part. I speak of none other than the Court of Queen’s Bench ever-present eminence grise, the Polish Prince of the judiciary, and the chief arbiter of the legal conduct of his fellow Albertans, “Big” Al Wachowich who has never met a stuffed manila envelope or a bottle of premium booze he didn’t like.

How has Chief Justice Al, the Ghermezians’ pal, managed to secure the fabulous Tumbleweed of the Month award for September? I thought you would never ask. Al has taken a break from all those usual weighty matters over at the Law Courts Building, you know, like giving foreclosed malls back to the original owners along with bundles of cash and with the debt flushed free, to more mundane matters. Big Al has entered the sports arena. Not content to taint the halls of justice, he now wants to bring his own brand of suspect jurisprudence to the wide world of sports.

I am not kidding. Perhaps you saw the article in the local tabloid the other day. Good ol’ Al has been acting as the arbitrator in Eskimo player A. J. Gass’s case against his suspension by the CFL. Remember the shy retiring Gass mistaking a Calgary player’s helmet for a discus a few weeks ago? Well. That was the incident that eventually led to this scene from Bizarro World.

But, as they say in the late night infomercials, that’s not all. It seems that our pal Al is a lifelong Eskimo fan back to 1949 no less. Did they even play football back then? Not only that, he is a season ticket holder for many, many years. You don’t suppose there could be any bias whatsoever on Al’s part do you? Here, in a sporting microcosm, is Al Wachowich’s philosophy: there is no such thing as a conflict of interest. It doesn’t matter whether or not you are arbitrating a football player’s suspension on your own home team or presiding over a multimillion dollar foreclosure of an enterprise you took money from, the basic philosophy remains the same.

Al was quick with the defensive remarks however as even he must have realized how weird and stinky this football thing smelled. “This was an emergency application. I was the only arbitrator that was available at the time. I was somewhat reluctant to hear this but on the record, all parties agreed that I could hear it.” This sure goes a long way in showing you how sharp the honchos at the CFL are these days. Interesting that Al was worried about how his obvious conflict in this matter would be perceived but went merrily along on the West Edmonton Mall swindle. Then again, he sealed that one didn’t he?

This wasn’t the first time Al had presided over cases that involved Eskimo players. Remember Gizmo Williams? After he got off, Al got him off. Over the years there were other assorted players from the Eskimos that Al managed to grease the wheels of justice for so to speak. I told you Al was a big athletic, er Eskimo supporter.

The best part of the article for me though was when Al drew himself up to his full judicial majesty and uttered the following: “But you know, I have an oath-I took an oath-that I will judge everything fairly and without any bias.” I nearly wet myself laughing at that one. Jerry Seinfeld never wrote stuff that funny. If you want a massive dose of irony, here’s another one for you. Recently, in an interview, Al said he was speaking to a group of recent immigrants from Eastern Europe. These newcomers to Canada, based on their experiences in their homelands, thought most Canadian judges took bribes. One of them asked Al how much money he made, including the bribes. Al’s answer? Well, I’ll let him tell you in his own words: “I’ve never taken a bribe. No judge in Canada ever takes a bribe. I’ve never heard of it.” Sure, Al, sure. He apparently made that remark with a straight face. I’d love to be present when the Ghermezians hear that comment. 

So that’s the case your Honour. The facts are simple and indisputable. Chief Justice Allan Wachowich continues to believe that his fellow Albertans are dopes and simpletons and that he can continue to get away with his own peculiar brand of justice and supposed fairness. Therefore, I respectfully ask that you sentence Allan Wachowich to the maximum allowed under the Prairie Post-the Tumbleweed of the Month. Thirty days, Al, thirty days.