Tumbleweed of the Month

Bobby, You’ve Got Some Splane-n’ To Do! 

I was perusing some of the local media a couple of weeks back and a tiny item of business news caught my eye. There, in seven short paragraphs, was the proof that the forces of evil are still at the helm of the Alberta Treasury Branches, er, sorry, ATB Financial. Every time I see that boutique corporate newspeak I keep thinking that you can dress it up and put lipstick on it but when all is said and done, a pig is still a pig.

Shirley McClellan gushingly announced that Robert Splane was approved by Order in Council as the new chair of ATB Financial’s board of directors. But why should I expend any creative energy describing Mr. Splane’s qualifications for his exalted new position when the lovely Ms. McClellan out it so eloquently in her announcement. “I am delighted to announce Mr. Splane’s appointment. He brings a wealth of experience to his new role, including nationally recognized board governance expertise and a strong lending and insurance background.” Uh huh.

Let’s examine Mr. Splane’s “experience” shall we? His most recent post was the Chair of the Agricultural Financial Services Corporation. There are some insiders who know that his real job was to, how shall I say it, screw farmers out of there program entitlements and support programs. Many farmers found the hoops that they had to jump through just to access these programs so onerous, they just gave up. You’re doing a heckuva job, Splanie!

The guy is just not a business man. He’s a bureaucrat, pure and simple, with less emphasis on the pure and much more on the simple. Politicians are his kind of people and he would protect a politician to the end or the cheque cleared, whichever came first.

Lest we forget, Mr. Splane was also president of the infamous Canadian Commercial Bank or CCB which failed. He was also president of the Alberta Bank which also failed and was absorbed into Canadian Western Bank. This just added to Bob’s stellar resume that made him perfect for the Klein government. Incredibly, instead of being shown the door for his mismanagement, he was put on CWB’s board, presumably because he knew where some high profile bodies were buried. Not a bad gig for a guy that was accused of playing fast and loose with the money from little old ladies’ trust funds, eh? Who said crime doesn’t pay?

The other thing I find interesting about this appointment is the timing. It comes just weeks after the Alberta Torys showed Ralph Klein the “Exit” sign and pointed him in the direction of the door with a firm shove to get him moving. Ralph expected his love-in to continue for another couple of years and I think the long range planning on his behalf by Peter Elzinga got disrupted by the accelerated timetable. There had to be a new, more desperate action plan to make sure that once Ralph was no longer on the scene, embarrassing details about the Treasury Branch could still be kept under wraps. This appointment of Bob Splane is nothing more than damage control, folks. Along with the odious Bill 22, it’s an attempt to close the shop once the proprietor heads to his fishing lodge. Oh, and have I mentioned that Bob Splane is also a friend of the Premier’s new Chief of Staff, Peter Kruselnicki, whose exploits have been well-documented in this little corner of the world wide web? It’s also interesting to note that Splane’s fellow ATB board member, Al O’Brien, himself well-acquainted with the past indiscretions of the ATB, was once his boss in the Provincial Treasure’s office. The more the interrelationships are examined, the more you realize the motto of the ATB should really be “Keep thy ass well and truly covered.”

As the ATB has expressed a desire to move more strongly into the insurance field, will it finally get the attention it deserves from the actual chartered banks and will it finally be exposed as the illegal entity it is? Its mandate from 1938 has been to provide financial services to Albertans that would otherwise not be served by the commercial banks. It does not have a banking charter and as such operates outside the Bank Act. The ATB has withstood a few court tests (including mine) with a kind of a wink and a nod rationale. Now that it corporate customers like RONA and Maple Leaf Foods, it has clearly stepped outside the bounds of its original mandate and has become a regular commercial bank but operating outside the Bank Act and outside Alberta. Bob Splane’s experience in the insurance field is also another reason for his appointment, a secondary benefit if you will. Once the ATB begins to compete with banks over the full range of financial services nationally and internationally, will the powerful banking industry finally lobby the federal government to take action against the Alberta Government’s illegal bank? That would be a dust-up you could sell tickets for.

In our newest TWOTM, Ralph and the two Peters have found a pliant individual to help keep a lid on the embarrassing revelations that might come out once Ralph retires. Bob, please take a bow as this month’s Tumbleweed, for your outstanding service in maintaining the status quo and ensuring that Ralph’s retirement is a quiet and happy one.

And if you happen to be a widow with your trust fund in the ATB, be afraid, be very afraid.

Interview With, Well, You’ll See

(As We Imagine It) 

Does anybody still read the Reader’s Digest? When I was a kid, my family had a subscription to the magazine and I always loved the wide range of subjects it covered. There were also jokes, if you could call them that, and an attempt to give the average Canadian a worldly command of the English language in “It Pays to Increase Your Word Power.” But for me, the most interesting articles were about various body parts and organs and their functions.

In the 1960s and early 70s (I think), these articles were written from the perspective of the organ itself, usually happily residing in the body of some schmuck named Joe and were somewhat mundanely titled “I Am Joe’s Liver” or “I Am Joe’s Stomach.”. The articles were written in the first person and each body part told you how important they were and hoe much better your body was for having them. Along the way, you inadvertently learned the inner workings of your inner workings without so much of a hint of having to study biology.

Anyway, like I said, these articles left a lasting impression on me although not enough for me to take up medicine or anything, a fact which you can be profoundly grateful for. I thought it might be fun to try to recreate such an article and so what follows is my humble attempt to do just that.

I Am Ralph’s Brain

I am that wrinkled gray mass that rests inside Ralph’s skull. Some people say that I don’t really exist but I am here to assure you that I do. I have a very tender exterior and would be severely damaged throughout my life if it were not for this skull. Unfortunately my protector is extremely thick and I receive very little stimulus from the world beyond. As a result, I live in almost complete isolation and operate in almost complete oblivion to anything but my own existence.

I weigh less than the normal brain weight of about 1.5 kg and I should really exercise more to build myself up. For Ralph to live, I must do my basic duties of governing the various parts of Ralph’s body. I expend the most energy of any part of Ralph’s body but fortunately, in his case, that is not much, so I generate less heat than the average brain. Thus overheating and damage is not a problem in Ralph’s case as I have very little to damage. For most brains, this is very easy stuff but Ralph seems to have been blessed with extraordinarily rebellious organs.

The heart has no business being called that. I am constantly telling it to wake up and express some feeling for Ralph’s surroundings but it just shrugs and pumps only enough blood to allow Ralph to move around. It is so lazy; it requires only the bare minimum of input from me to keep it running. The only time I seem able to rouse it to excitement is when I advise the various parts of Ralph’s anatomy that we are approaching a Caribbean poker table or when he meets with somebody called Polo or something like that. Then it is all I can do to contain the heart from jumping right out of Ralph’s body.

Then I know I must be on alert to send the proper signals to Ralph’s liver and kidneys. Even though my contact to outside stimulation is limited, over time I have learned to recognize the times when the liver and kidneys will be called upon to work extra hard. At times, I feel truly sorry for them because they, of all Ralph’s organs, have the toughest job of all. They have to deal with a sudden and large influx of alcohol and other pollutants on a regular basis so it seems as if they never really get the chance to just relax and be themselves.  They have come to depend on me to give them early warning of this alcohol flow and without me, they would become quickly overwhelmed.

Ralph’s lungs, too, must be alerted as very quickly the quantity of air they ingest will be severely compromised. They brace themselves for a smoky, smelly attack that is soon to come. Lungs and pulmonary arteries struggle against near paralysis and a residue that settles in and on them making it very difficult to function normally. I try my best in such emergency situations by triggering the cough response to try to expel the unwanted invaders but even so, enough gets through to weaken their performance. Then I have to turn on the nerve endings in the throat to produce a stinging, burning sensation to encourage Ralph to limit any further intake.  

These are some of the most critical times for me as it seems everything is happening at once. Even though they wouldn’t admit it and definitely don’t like it, I have the responsibility for the other organs welfare and I take that responsibility seriously. Sometimes in order to help them out, I am called on to force Ralph to take a break from overtaxing his organs. When I sense that the liver and kidneys and even the stomach has reached the point of exhaustion, I must remember to tell the heart to slow the blood flow and I send the blood vessels signals to restrict around me so Ralph gets a blinding headache. Then he realizes he has overdone it again and my fellow organs can get the rest they so richly deserve.

At other times, signals from the eyes and ears let me know that Ralph is taking part in something I recognize as Question Period or an activity when Ralph encounters other bodies that are classified as reporters I recognize from my limited memory. During those times, I have to send urgent messages to the eyes and especially the ears to disregard anything they see or hear. On occasion, some of those signals from the outside stimulus are more intense and I must react instantaneously. Even the heart must be spurred on to pump the necessary blood to be able to allow the arms to flail away or to pick up a copy of Hansard to throw violently. The blood vessels must be alerted to carry more blood and Ralph’s face gets flushed and I send impulses to his vocal cords and tongue to vibrate violently. Sometimes at this stage, they ignore me completely and decide operate independently without my control. At that point, I can no longer protect Ralph from these body parts and he must suffer the consequences. I have tried many times to lecture the tongue on the fact that I have final control but like other parts of Ralph’s body, it likes to think it runs itself. What is a brain to do?

I don’t want to give you the impression that I am overworked by these periods of high activity. Fortunately these periods are infrequent and Ralph is not a curious individual so I have lots of down time that allows me to recover from such episodes. Many brains are not so lucky and are constantly called upon to exercise that other part of them that gives their bodies cognitive minds. They are burdened with imagination, memory, reasoning, and all those other higher functions that take so much energy. I don’t have to worry about any of that intruding on my down time. I even look forward to these rare bursts of activity to break up my day. There are many days I don’t get to think at all so I guess in that respect, I have life relatively easy. I can’t imagine (no pun intended) being required to ponder abstract ideas and formulate long term strategies. I just don’t know how other brains manage it. I suppose I truly am blessed to reside in an individual like Ralph. There are a lot of days off. Still, it would be a nice change of pace on occasion.

During those slack times, in order to entertain myself, I send random signals to the mouth, tongue, and vocal cords so they make unintelligible noises that are disguised act like real speech. Other brains are distracted by these random messages and cause their own bodies to shake their heads and roll their eyes. Sometimes I do this for days on end and I admit to a certain guilty pleasure in seeing just how long I can keep the nonsense going. If I had the capacity to laugh on my own, I surely would do so.

So you see being Ralph’s Brain is somewhat unique. I suspect that once Ralph’s organs all cease to function and I have even less to do than at present, science will take the time to recognize my contribution to the state of many other bodies throughout Alberta. I hope you have learned something today although for me, I can’t recall having such an experience as learning. I actually think I am getting a bit flabby from lack of use. Tell me, does my frontal lobe look underdeveloped to you? Seriously, does it?

Oh Yeah

Equalize This! 

In what may be his last act of defiance, bravado, or just plan stupidity before his departure as Premier, Ralph Klein recently threatened to pull out of the federal equalization program so that the other provinces won’t benefit from Alberta’s oil and gas windfall.

There is a Premier’s Conference scheduled to take place this month and the other provincial leader stare longingly at Alberta’s balance sheet and wonder how they can get a piece of the petroleum royalty pie. What they would like is for Ottawa to include the revenues that Alberta gets from oil and gas royalties to be included in the calculation that the federal government uses to decide how much cash Ottawa doles out to each province.

Our valiant Premier contends that this is a constitutional issue and one that he is prepared to go to the mat over. In fact, Premier Klein has threatened to have Alberta leave the equalization program completely.

Aside from the fact that such threats won’t endear him to the rest of his fellow premiers, the threat is mostly a lot of hot air just like the whole healthcare bluster of years past. Ralph makes it sound as if we’ll just stop writing the cheques to Ottawa to distribute as it sees fit but that is not the way it works.

In actual fact, the revenues that are earmarked for distribution back to the provinces don’t come from the provinces current accounts as it were. The payments come out of federal revenue made up in large part from the monies received from your individual act of patriotism every April 30^th. Because of that, Alberta has no control on its own to take Alberta’s share out of that pool of funds. Pulling out of the program will make not a whit of difference in the distribution of equalization.

He can influence the formula on how the calculations are made which would affect how much each individual province receives or contributes but unless the other provinces agree to the new formula, even that is highly unlikely.

The situation is not as threatening or as dire as Klein would like you to believe. The other provinces realize that even though they might covet the resource wealth of Alberta, it would set a dangerous precedent to include resource revenue in the calculation of equalization payments. Atlantic Canada has a burgeoning oil and gas industry of its own as does Newfoundland albeit somewhat further in the future. I seriously doubt these long time have not provinces would be willing to sell off their future for relatively small current gains. It’s not in their best interest. Similarly, Ontario and Quebec are also not likely to want their mining and industrial revenue included in any new formula despite their expressed desire to include resource revenue. The old saying what goes around comes around applies to them. Self-interest alone will dictate that these revenues will never be included in equalization calculations.

Even though Alberta is a net contributor to the program to the tune of $12 billion consider the alternative. If you think it would be better to be on the receiving end of such payments then think again. Such a scenario would mean that Alberta’s economy was in such bad shape that the only way we could pay for needed goods and services would be to rely on equalization. I think you would agree that the present situation with a booming economy and citizens employed in high-paying, tax-generating jobs is much more desirable.

So on first look and with these facts in mind; Ralph’s little fit of pique against equalization is at best, irrational. But Ralph knows his time as the doyen among the premiers is rapidly coming to an end. What better way to let people know you still have some teeth left than to snap at Ottawa? That always plays well with the home folks. Besides, considering his time as Premier, Ralph should know how things work better than anybody. As Shakespeare said, it’s much sound and fury signifying nothing. Ralph did it for political points. It certainly did not help his case and in fact, by drawing more attention to Alberta’s massive oil and gas revenues, may have even hurt it. Perhaps the best thing Ralph Klein could do before he leaves office is to sit down and shut up. That would be a new experience for him and who knows, he might even enjoy it.