Interview With the Man (or Woman) in the Street

Hockey Edition

(As We Imagine It) 

It’s time for celebration Canada. October marks our emergence from our long winter of discontent. NHL Hockey’s back! Yaaaaaaaaahhhhoooooooo!!!!!!!! Remember how we talked of punishing players and management for stealing our reason to put up with six months of darkness and ice and snow? Bulls**t! Who cares? NHL Hockey’s back! You never give up on your first true love even if she’s rejected you. When she comes back, she’s even more beautiful than you remember and all is forgotten. NHL Hockey’s back!

I thought it might be interesting to get your opinions on the upcoming hockey season and find out if you are as excited as I am about it. First, though, in the interest of full disclosure, I have to state up front that I am an Edmonton Oilers fan from day one and also a Tampa Bay Lightning fan by adoption. I don’t mean to upset any Calgary Flames fans by mentioning that but I think I’m on fairly safe ground here as none of them can read.

Okay, moving right along, I thought long and hard about the best way to do this and decided that I would stroll through downtown Red Deer and get the comments of my fellow Albertans on as reasonably neutral territory as you can find with respect to the Battle of Alberta. Besides, there are some really fine people in Red Deer as I know from personal experience.

Here we go away from the comfort of the famous Naugahyde interview chair into the streets of Red Deer on a recent (and rare) sunny fall afternoon.

Here I am at the corner of Ross Street and Gaetz Avenue in Red Deer, the downtown hub of this great Central Alberta city and let’s see if we can find someone to talk to. Sir, sir, excise me.

A. Yes?

Q. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

A. No, I suppose not but I don’t really have a lot of time.

Q. No problem this won’t take long. Are you looking forward to the hockey season?

A. Sure. I go to most of the Rebel home games.

Q. Actually, I was thinking more of the return of NHL hockey? Are you excited about that?

A. Those greedy bastards! All those whining millionaires who get to play a game for a living for crying out loud!

Q. So you’re solidly in the “I don’t care if they never played again” camp?

A. Are you kidding! I can’t wait for the first game of the season.

Q. Well, I just assumed . . .

A. I don’t ever want to spend another winter without NHL hockey. Do you know that last year I actually spent some Saturday nights helping the Missus with home renovation projects? What red-blooded Canadian male spends Saturday night working on the house? C’mon. It’s just not natural. I was suffering withdrawal symptoms. During Christmas dinner I made goalposts on my plate with Brussels sprouts and was shooting peas with my fork to the turkey’s stick side. Once, I got a two sprout deflection and actually cheered. That’s how pathetic it was.

Q. I can’t argue with you there. That is truly pathetic.

A. I looked up and my brother-in-law was drawing Habs logos in the mashed potatoes. Oh, say, I’ve got to go. See ya.

Q. Ah, right. Thanks. Wow. Can you believe that guy?  I’ve heard some strange things in my time about hockey obsessions but that takes the cake in my experience. I wonder who else we can talk to here. Hello! Hello! Yes, you there. Have you got a couple of minutes?

A. Sorry, I don’t have any change.

Q. No, sorry, you misunderstand. I just want to ask a couple of questions. It won’t take very long.

A. I don’t do surveys either. Excuse me please.

Q. I’m not making myself clear. I want your opinion about the return of the NHL hockey season.

A. Well why didn’t you say so? Man, that’s the best news I heard all summer. I think it’s great that Hockey Night in Canada will be back. I know there’s hockey on other nights but Saturday night is special. It was made for hockey, you know what I mean?

Q. Yes I do actually. It’s the tradition going back to Foster Hewitt I think and the great memories of the family gathered around the television or, I guess the radio, if you go back even further.

A. You’re quite the philosopher aren’t you? Ever thought of doing some writing?

Q. The thought has crossed my mind.

A. But you’re right what you said about that family thing. I look to be a little older than you but I remember playing hockey all afternoon on the street in front of the house until Mom called us in for supper. Usually we were have frozen and starving by that point and the smell of a pot of baked beans or beef stew would have you racing to the table after kicking off your boots on the back stairs. The house was all warm and smelled really good. I remember eating two or three plates full with fresh, warm brown bread with butter melting on it. I couldn’t wolf it down fast enough much to my mother’s chagrin. Then, after dinner, we called it supper then, we’d all gather in front of the TV for the hockey game. I was a big Leafs fan but my brother liked the New York Rangers so whenever they played, and that was frequently when there were only six teams, we’d have fights on the rug when the players fought. I can still see us scrapping there in front of the TV with my Mom yelling at us to stop and my Dad laughing. Got something in your eye?

Q. Yeah, it must be a piece of dust or something.

A. Don’t get me wrong. I still love hockey but I don’t think it will ever have that magic again, you know what I mean?

Q. I do. I really do.

A. Coming Honey. That’s my wife calling so I better get going. Nice talking to you.

Q. Thanks. Nice talking to you as well. Wasn’t that something? That’s really how it used to be. Sometimes I think we’ve lost that sort of intimacy with the game today. There’s an elderly lady coming around the corner. I wonder what she thinks about the start of the NHL season. Ma’am may I talk to you for a minute?

A. You’re not a panhandler or worse are you?

Q. I don’t know what you mean by worse but no, I’m not. All I want to do is ask you if you’re happy that NHL hockey is back this season after the lockout?

A. I don’t watch the hockey on TV much young man.

Q. Oh, young man! I like you already.

A. I don’t really follow it you see. My husband watches the games and swears at the players and the referees. Usually when the games are on I go to the kitchen, make myself a cup of tea, and do crosswords.

Q. So you don’t care whether the NHL is back or not?

A. No, I think I’m glad those boys are back to playing. They get so much money don’t they? Like I say I don’t have much interest myself and I couldn’t tell one player from another or even teams for that matter. Toronto has the Leafs right and Montreal has the Canadiens?

Q. Right. What about Edmonton and Calgary?

A. Oh yes, the Oilers I think they’re called. My husband really likes them. That’s Gretzky, right?

Q. Yes, Wayne Gretzky used to play for the Oilers but then he got traded to Los Angeles and then to the New York Rangers. He’s been retired for a while from playing but this year he is going to coach Phoenix where he is a part owner.

A. Goodness. They play hockey down there? I don’t follow them that close as I said. But my husband does enjoy the games and it makes the winter go faster for him so I guess it’s a good thing the boys are back playing.

Q. I want to thank you ma’am for letting me take some of your time today. I appreciate it.

A. Thank you, young man. Good-bye.

Q. She thinks I’m a young man. Maybe she was on the way to her eye doctor. Ooohhh! There’s a much younger woman. I want to talk to her! Hi, how are you?

A. Uh, hi. What do you want? My boyfriend is just in the store there.

Q. That’s nice to know. What I wanted was to ask you about the return of NHL hockey this season?

A. What about it?

Q. I want to know if you’re excited about it.

A. Hockey you mean?

Q. Right, hockey.

A. I think it’s pretty cool. I love the Flames and they were so robbed of the Cup, you know. This year they’re going to, like, win it all, you know. And Iginla, what can you say? He’s so cool! I know they’re going to be, like, even better this year. We went to the Red Mile during the playoffs and there was, like, millions of people there you know?

Q. It was a pretty wild place alright. I don’t know if there were millions there though.

A. Hey Justin! That’s my boyfriend Justin. Hey Justin! Get your ass over her! I want you to tell this guy something.

J. Is this guy hassling you?

Q. I’m not hassling her. I was just asking her some questions.

J. Like what kind of f***king questions, man?

A. Chill, eh. Questions about hockey.

J. Her? She don’t know s**t about hockey.

A. I do so!

J. All you know about hockey is that you took off your Flames jersey on the Red Mile and flashed’em.

Q. Okay, that’s fine.

J. You bet your ass. They’re damn fine!

A. Thanks baby.

J. And I oughta know eh?

Q. Maybe I should find somebody else. Thanks guys for taking to me.

J. Yo, whatever. Hey baby, let’s go!

Q. Some fine representatives of the fair youth of this great nation. Who else can we find here in downtown Red Deer? Hello sir. May I ask you a few questions about the upcoming NHL season?

A. Sure. Shoot.

Q. Great. Thanks a lot. Are you happy that the NHL is back playing hockey this season?

A. I’ll say. Man, I just love hockey. I even still play in a commercial league. Those guys will lay a hurtin’ on you. They play for keeps. Then we all get together for a beer afterwards. At least I had that last winter during the lockout. But still, it’s just not the same to spend a winter without NHL hockey is it?

Q. I agree. I don’t think so either. So tell me, what is your favourite team?

A. Has to be the Oilers man. It just pissed me off that Calgary went so far in the playoffs, you know, to the finals and nearly won. We wouldn’t have heard the end of that!

Q. So you didn’t cheer for the Flames in the finals against Tampa?

A. No gawddam way. A true Oiler fan would never cheer for the Flames, are you kidding me?

Q. But since they were the last Canadian team and in the Stanley Cup finals I thought the Canadian fans would be pulling for them. Lot’s of fans in Edmonton were.

A. Those aren’t true, blue Oiler fans. I wouldn’t cheer for the Flames if they were playing with themselves for the Cup. Hey, playing with themselves for the Cup. I think I made a joke.

Q. I get it. I have to tell you that I agree with you as one of your so-called true, blue Oiler fans. I was in Tampa for the finals and was pulling so hard for Tampa you wouldn’t have believed it. Marty St. Louis, Lecavalier, Andreychuk, they all dug deep and put the Flames away but it was a great series.

A. Awwright! That must have been awesome. Did you get to any games in Tampa?

Q. No, unfortunately not. I went to a few during the season but in the playoffs it was hard to get a ticket.

A. That’s too bad. At least here the fans show up all year.

Q. What do you think about the new rules?

A. It’s a wait and see thing I think. It should be better with the smaller goal pads and hopefully less clutching and grabbing. Allow the talented players to really show what they got, you know?

Q. I agree. Tampa, with the skating talent they have, with the new rules, should be even better but Sports Illustrated picked Calgary to win it all I think.

A. Never happen. Calgary’s always been a one hit wonder. Look at 1989. After that they stunk. No, I think they will choke this year and get back to normal.

Q. Let’s hope so. Hey enjoy the season. Been a blast talking to you.

A. You too. See ya later.

Q. I have to say the pundits and their opinions about how the fans will be slow to come back to hockey this season underestimate how deeply embedded it is in the soul of the average Canadian. I think this will be a great season and I can’t wait. Heck, there were even 18,000+ in Tampa the other night for the first home exhibition game. You heard right, I said Tampa. Now if the CBC could only get it together so we could watch the games on television life would be perfect. See you next time!

                                                               How Shall I Spend Thee?

                                                                 Let Me Count the Ways 

It will be a miracle if I get this issue completed by the deadline. I have been so occupied with other weighty matters that I can scarcely concentrate on writing the articles for this issue. I’m all a-dither over the news that Ralph Klein, bless his little vote buying heart, is letting us, the good people of Alberta share in the wealth of our own province. Is he a great guy or what?

My problem is that I just can’t think about anything else but my sudden windfall. No big deal I hear you say. Are you kidding me? Four hundred bucks is four hundred bucks! When was the last time somebody just handed you four hundred bucks because you are still breathing and happen to do that breathing as a resident of our beloved Province of Alberta?

Back in the 1930s, then Premier, the screwy Bible Bill Aberhart printed his own money to give to Albertans. The only problem was that nobody took it seriously and actually called it “funny money.” Ralph Klein has gone and done ol’ Bible Billy one better. Ralph is giving away real money, or at least the money that is legal tender in Canada. Some wags have even got a name for the stuff already-Ralphbucks. It does have kind of a ring to it don’t you think?

Now it’s still early in the game and it seems as if no one really knows how the distribution of these Ralphbucks is going to take place. Some say it will be one cheque to the head of a household. How they determine who the head of the household nowadays is beyond me but just think if you’ve got ten kids. Maybe head down to your local BMW dealer and put a deposit on that 5 series you’ve been eyeing.

Then again, if you have ten kids, a BMW is not the first thing that pops into your head when someone gives you a fat cheque. No it’s more likely to be a week’s R&R sans offspring at the quietest, the most romantic, the most secluded lodge you can find along with you significant other. Actually, on second thought, maybe just go by yourself and just spin a little cash to the rest of the family. That romantic thing got you the ten kids in the first place, remember?

Or you could do the socially responsible thing and take that little bundle of dough and set up college funds for the aforementioned chips off the ol’ block. Think very seriously about that. You’ll be a hero, a responsible parent, a pillar of the community. Makes a nice picture don’t you think? But before you get all warm and fuzzy over that picture, realize that your kids, even if they do go to college, will probably drop out anyway; start living with some feckless person of indeterminate gender, and constantly pester you for even more money. That’s closer to reality, isn’t it Bunky?

No, it’s much better to do something useful with your little pile of Ralph Bucks. Buy a new computer (and let the kids on it from time to time to assuage any pangs of guilt you may suffer), buy an Ipod (DO NOT let the kids use this or you’ll be sorry. Have you heard any of the crap that passes for music nowadays?), or, and this is my personal favourite, go to Las Vegas and see how much fun Ralph can buy you. Screw the kids. They have to learn a valuable life lesson: money doesn’t grow on trees. But it does come from under the ground and when you grow up, still live in Alberta, and oil prices are still at an all-time high, and the Premier whoever he or she is needs a legacy, you can blow your oil bucks any way you choose. They’ll grow up healthier and happier knowing you cared enough to shield them from a life of wanton and reckless consumerism. See, you can even do it guilt free. And the bonus is you’ll be doing just what Ralph likes to do better than anything else. What a fitting way to honour our great benefactor!

Or, finally, you could do as most families are going to do with their own little windfall share of the province’s oil wealth. You can use it to pay for the outrageously priced gas to keep the car running so you can get to work and get the kids to school. You can also use it to pay for the increased price of natural gas and home heating oil this winter to keep from freezing your kiester off when the temperature hits -30C for days on end in the next few months. Then again, you could really let loose and buy food with it. Of course you’ll need this extra money to pay for groceries when the cost to produce and transport the stuff skyrockets again because of higher fuel prices.

So, let’s see. Because of the record price for oil we get a windfall bonus from the government of Alberta so that we can afford to give the money right back to the oil and gas industry in higher pump and home heating costs. Sounds fair to me. Don’t you just love economics?

On second thought, maybe we should tell Ralph to just keep some and hand the rest back to the oil companies. They’re going to get it anyway and this way we can cut out the middleman. Besides, we’re used to getting cut out and if I didn’t have all this confusion about how to spend the money, maybe I could concentrate on a better topic for this column. See, we all win.

                                                              Tumbleweed of the Month

                                                         If a Tree Fell in the Forest and . . .  

This month’s Tumbleweed is another shared honour (dishonour shurely-ed., a small tribute to the returning Frank magazine). It goes to a couple of selfish entities that have, as of this writing, kept the CBC in its regular form of our radios and televisions. The management and the unions please graciously accept our monthly and highly symbolic swift cyber kick in the ass for being so self-centred and stubborn. We need you to get over this lockout and soon.

If you don’t soon get it together then I’m afraid that the CBC will disappear from the airwaves on a permanent basis or become some type of neutered public broadcaster with about as much excitement as the parliamentary channel. I know that some of you, and if some of the polls are correct, even most of you think that this is the case already. Hear me out, however, and I think you might find that like Joni Mitchell, “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.”

First, there is the state of current radio, a hobby horse I have touched on before. One of the great joys of my life has been radio and I have fairly eclectic tastes when it comes to listening to radio. As many of you know, I have spent quite a few years in the United States where private radio rules mostly by huge conglomerates like Clear Channel and Infinity Broadcasting. And if any of you have been in the U.S. lately, you’ll understand it when I say that it hardly matters what city you are in because the radio all sounds same. It is increasingly difficult to find unique and locale specific radio that is interesting and intelligent.

Instead there are “format” stations so Buffalo sounds like New York, sounds like Las Vegas, sounds like Tampa. And mostly what it sounds like is junk from the radio ranting talk show know-nothings to the formula music stations! Canadian radio is already headed down this path and it’s sad. The demise of the CBC will remove most of the last “intelligent” radio in this country. CKUA, of course, is the happy exception right here in Alberta.

The usual suspects are already out there writing columns and voicing opinions about how they have not missed the CBC one bit and if they haven’t missed it, then why are we spending taxpayer dollars on it? They love to denigrate the idea of the CBC as the national identity and how we don’t need it. That’s so sadly shortsighted. The CBC is a unique and valuable resource available to all Canadians whether or not they choose to use it. Somehow, “Corus Entertainment” doesn’t have the same sense of place.

Even though CBC television is not as personally valuable to me as the radio, it still fills a need that private broadcasters who are charged with making money for their shareholders cannot afford to do. And it’s about more than Hockey Night in Canada which the private sector would snap up in a second. Can you imagine the private broadcasters bringing you opera, ballet, or other arts programming? How about the type of in-depth political reporting that the CBC does? Nope. The private broadcasters aren’t interested.

These types of programming are often labeled “elitist” by the many critics of the CBC. Since when did the appreciation of some of the great artworks of mankind become “elitist?” That’s part of the problem with modern pop culture, homogenized and dumbed down for the perceived tastes of the masses. Have you ever had a small child listen to classical music or jazz?  They love it because it’s just music to them and doesn’t have the rarified connotation most people associate it with. Opera was the people’s entertainment, not solely for aristocrats. My theory is that the more pop culture you are exposed to in the absence of any clear alternatives lowers your expectation and tolerance for choice. If it is the only choice, what are the effects then? Everyone knows that a well-balanced meal is the best source of nutrition but expose a toddler to McDonald’s and they would eat there every day. It takes an adult to realize that there is a better choice even if it takes a little more attention and effort. That’s not elitist. It’s just good sense.

Before I turned this into another version of the editorial, I named CBC management and unions as the co-winners of this month’s TWOTM for October. Usually these awards are a little whimsical and my attempt at humour. This month, however, I am very serious indeed. To all those at the CBC, whether you be union or management, please reach an agreement soon. Some say we can’t afford you. In truth, we can’t afford to be without you.