Love Tory

Interview with Peter McKay

(As We Imagine It) 

This month we have been lucky enough to secure an interview with the other major player involved in the Belinda Stronach shock announcement that she would cross the floor of the House of Commons to sit as a member of the government and a cabinet minister. But can you imagine how that must have made Peter MacKay feel? Yours truly has been blindsided in relationships before but never with 30 million Canadians seeing and reading about it over breakfast. Personally, I think some rule of etiquette must have been transgressed by such a public Dear John action but in this age of mass and instant communication, who knows? Maybe now it is perfectly acceptable.

But let us go right to the source and find out how Peter Mackay has been coping with this very public and high profile breakup. Mr. MacKay welcome.

A. Thank you.

Q. I know this must be a very difficult time for you. Are you sure you want to share your thoughts and feelings with the Prairie Post readership?

A. Yes, I think so. I was never personally aware of the Prairie Post but I heard Paul Martin raving about (amongst other things) what a fine cyber journal it was. I looked it up on the Web and decided that it was a quality effort and that it would treat me and my recent troubles with the utmost respect. So yes, to reiterate my answer, I am ready to bare my heart and soul.

Q. Great. Such a candid tone will make this a whole lot easier. Let me start off by asking you about that CBC interview you did from your Nova Scotia farm shortly after the news broke that Ms. Stronach had crossed the floor. Understandably, you were upset and not very forthcoming about some of the personal details of the breakup. Have you had enough time to reflect on what happened and perhaps reached some conclusions about your relationship with Ms. Stronach?

A. Oh yeah, I would definitely say that I have reached some conclusions about her. One of them is that she is a lying bitch. How’s that for a conclusion? Here’s another conclusion. She thinks only of Belinda and nobody else. I hope you didn’t buy into that “for the good of the country crap.” I hope Paul Martin is happy because he got just what he deserves. You mark my words. She will become a pain in his Prime Ministerial ass sooner than later.

Q. I detect some lingering bitterness.

A. I may be upset but I’m not bitter. There are plenty of other attractive women on the Hill. I don’t need to pine away for Belinda Stronach. She can take her new cabinet post and shove it up her . . .

Q. Let me jump in here quickly. There may be more attractive women on Parliament Hill but I don’t know of anymore auto parts heiresses that don’t need to take their salary as an MP and can afford to put that salary in a trust fund for charity.

A. Stop trying to make me feel better. Really, it wasn’t about her money at all. You know all that bravado just a few seconds ago? I didn’t really mean it. I truly loved her as a person. She was fun to be with and had a great sense of humour. Oh my God, I miss her. I miss her. I miss her!

Q. Mr. MacKay. Peter! Pull yourself together. This is just what I had feared would happen. You’re going to break down and I’ll get nothing more interesting or significant than your blubbering every five minutes. Here take this handkerchief and wipe your eyes and blow your nose. Better?

A. Thanks. I am sorry about that but I still really love her. Why? Why did she have to do that to me? Why?

Q. Come on now, take a big blow. That’s it.

A. Here’s your handkerchief back.

Q. No, that’s alright. You keep it. You’ll be okay. Frankly, I don’t understand your continued infatuation with the woman. After all, she humiliated you before an entire nation.

A. She is so beautiful and so rich.

Q. I have to be honest with you and say that I don’t find her that attractive. From a distance certainly she’s not bad looking but up close you can see that she has a little mileage on her. Like we used to say in the old days, she’s nice from afar but far from nice. Hey, before you start sending the cards and letters and emails, we all age. It’s a fact of life and all I am doing is being honest. Up close, especially after a couple of weeks of Belinda in every news clip, I don’t think she has aged that well.

A. I thought she was absolutely gorgeous.

Q. Of course you have a distinct advantage over me in your assessment. You’ve seen her naked. And she is stinking, filthy rich so that’s a definite plus in her favour. I guess I can see how you would still carry a torch for a woman who has ripped out your heart and stomped all over it as the country song writers like to express it.

A. Yeah, she has a great body I have to tell you. Perfectly formed breasts, that tight little butt, the . . .

Q. Whoa, hold on there. I don’t think we need to go into that amount of detail. Let’s just say that you found her extremely physically attractive.

A. She would do this little thing with her tongue that drives me insane when she . . .

Q. Peter! Peter! Mr. MacKay! Snap out of it. This publication is intended for a family audience and while I am sure there is a certain segment of the readership that wants to be titillated by the erotic details of your love life, I am afraid we have no place for that here.

A. Oh, right. I’m sorry. It’s just that I can’t get that vision out of my head when she would lie back and . . .

Q. Mr. MacKay, please. I have asked you repeatedly to control yourself. Do you think you will be able to continue this interview without us having to get an MA rating?

A. I am so sorry. A woman such as Belinda tends to do that to you. You just can’t forget her that easily no matter how much I want to after she hurt me like she did.

Q. Wow, you really fell head over heels in love with that woman didn’t you?

A. I guess I really did.

Q. You hadn’t actually been a couple that long had you? The first reports that I saw in the news that you two were an “item” was back in January I think. Is that when you first became romantically involved with Ms. Stronach?

A. That’s when we came out publicly with our relationship. We had been seeing each other socially as far back as shortly after the Tory leadership race. Both of us agreed at that point that it would be best to keep the relationship a secret at least initially because we both thought it would distract from the work we had to do before the election. We wanted our respective constituents focused on the issues and not on us as a couple.

Q. That must have been difficult as the two of you are fairly high profile in Ottawa.

A. Certainly it was. We had to be very careful having dinner or lunch together because if members of the Ottawa press gallery saw us together on a regular basis, then tongues would begin to wag and the relationship exposed.

Q. That’s essentially what did happen by January wasn’t it?

A. Yes, people had begun to notice that we were spending a lot of time together at fundraisers; sitting together in caucus; even just having lunch together. We had managed to keep our relationship secret from all but a few close friends until after the election but by January it became increasingly difficult to hide our affection for each other. That’s when we decided the mental wear and tear of finding ways to be together without acknowledging our relationship publicly wasn’t healthy and we became a couple in public.

Q. I remember a quote that was attributed to you at the time in which you admitted to being “very happy and quite smitten.”

A. Well, that was the only way to put it because I was. I was deeply in love with Belinda and as I think you have seen here today, I have to admit that I still am. She was so good in bed and was ready to go at . . .

Q. Okay let’s drag this back again. It sounds as if you weren’t so much in love as in lust.

A. Oh no, I really loved her but it was so much better with good sex.

Q. You mean Tories can have good sex?

A. Of course. Why wouldn’t they?

Q. You learn something every day. I suppose they must have sex to create little Tories. When you think of sex and politicians you think of Pierre Trudeau but I have a much harder time trying to visualize John Diefenbaker or Robert Stanfield “getting it on” so to speak. It’s not a visual that I want playing in my head.

A. Oh and I suppose that Paul Martin comes across as sexy for the Liberals. I think you’d have to stretch to make that point.

Q. Okay you have me there. But you will admit that the Conservatives are not seen as a sexy, passionate crowd. A mental picture of Myron Thompson in silk Stanfields with little hearts all over does not easily come to mind. And alas, once there, just as uneasily refuses to leave.

A. I see what you mean. I’m not going to be able to look across the caucus table at Myron quite the same way ever again.

Q. You must have realized the political upside of your relationship with Ms. Stronach then.

A. How so?

Q. We have just spent the last few minutes talking about how the Conservative Party has an image problem; for lack of a better word they just aren’t sexy. The party spin doctors must have realized what gold they had in your romantic relationship with Belinda Stronach. Here was their opportunity to present you and Ms. Stronach as the new faces of conservatism in Canada-young, hip, sexy. Surely once the romance became public, they must have encouraged you to be seen as a couple.

A. There was some of that of course but neither Belinda nor I were comfortable in the role as party poster couple. We were just too people in love who happened to be politicians.

Q. That is so beautiful.

A. There is no need to be sarcastic.

Q. Perhaps not but it sounded just a little too gag-inducing for my taste.

A. Okay, okay, perhaps that was a little too much romance novel in my characterization but it was essentially the truth.

Q. I hate to spoil such dreamy memories but when did you first realize that Belinda was going to the Liberals?

A. In the last couple of months she had seemed troubled about the direction that the party was going. I don’t think I’m telling tales out of school when I say that she and Stephen did not get along at all. She felt he had taken the country in the wrong direction and that even with all the scandals plaguing the Liberal Party; this was not the right time to force an election. She felt it was bad timing for Canada and particularly for her riding and she voiced those concerns publicly which didn’t sit too well with Stephen.

Q. How did you feel personally about her unease within the party?

A. I understood why she was doing what she did. She truly believed that toppling the government was not wise right now. But at the same time, I respect Stephen Harper’s intellect and reading of the situation. I am also a long time believer in party solidarity as instilled by my father, Elmer

Q. You had a real dilemma on your hands then. You were trying to respect party policy but at the same time you were sleeping with Belinda. I got to tell you that under the circumstances, I would have selected bed partner over policy but then again it may be that I’m just shallow.

A. Sometimes you have a crude but effective way of putting things. I spend our last night together trying to get her to reconsider but at that point even I didn’t realize that David Peterson was involved as well as some of the Prime Minister’s staff. I wasn’t really aware of how far along the negotiations had progressed until I saw her at the press conference along side the Prime Minister.

Q. That’s when you knew for sure you had been dumped for a guy with a bigger caucus.

A. Uh, yeah, I guess you could put it that way. Even though I had tipped Stephen to what was likely to happen, I didn’t really believe she would go through with it.

Q. How did you feel as you watched her performance that morning?

A. The only way to describe what I felt was stunned. I was in absolute shock and denial. At that point I realized that not only had she forsaken the Conservative Party for the lure of a cabinet post with the Liberals but she had made it absolutely impossible for us to continue our relationship. I haven’t talked to her since.

Q. I have to say when I watched her that morning and in the subsequent days, she didn’t seem al that torn up about sacrificing you on her way to Paul Martin’s team.

A. That really bothered me as well. The fact that she could so coldly turn her back on not only the party but also what we had together made upset me a great deal. I couldn’t see anybody let alone talk to them so I got out of Ottawa as fast as I could to the relative tranquility of the farm in Nova Scotia. How could she do that to us, to me?

Q. Doesn’t the fact that she proved herself to be a lying treacherous bitch salve your heartbreak a little?

A. In what way? I am still upset about losing what we had.

Q. That’s exactly my point. What did you have really? Obviously there was no trust or respect on her part or she would not have done what she did to you.

A. I suppose that’s true.

Q. There was one other possibility.

A. What’s that?

Q. You could have followed her to the Liberals. That way you still have her and I daresay a cabinet post as well.

A. My dad would have killed me. I could never have done that.

Q. If that’s the case, then look on the bright side. Don’t you think you are better off without her and the fact that you found out about the real Belinda Stronach after only a few months and not year’s as a blessing saving you from greater heartbreak later on?

A. Yeah, perhaps you’re right. Perhaps it was all for the best that our romance burned brightly but briefly. Just like a summer thunderstorm that is spectacular and intense but clears the air and makes the evening more comfortable.

Q. Huh?

A. Never mind. But she did have a spectacular body and when I remember how she used to take her hand and gently . . .

Q. He’s gone again. This is probably an opportune time to end this interview so for the dreamy-eyed and longing Mr. Mackay, I’ll say so long for now. Hey! Hey! Cut that out! I think you had better leave now. Oh my God . . .

                                              The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight-

                                                          Unless Aimed At Their Feet 

When are they ever going to learn? I am talking about the federal Conservative Party. You would think that if ever the opportunity was right for them to be the government instead of the opposition, this would be it. With scandal swirling around the heads of the Liberals thicker than black flies in Flin Flon, surely the Canadian voter would throw up his or her hands in disgust and give them the chance to see if Stephen Harper and company could do better.

Instead, the polls show a slight lessening of support for the Tories. Why? Except in Alberta, the new Conservatives have not built the trust necessary to win elections. Overall, the Canadian voter is much more likely it seems to stick with the crooks they know rather than take a flyer on what they perceive as a group of misfits.

So far, a major part of the problem has been the image of the leader, Stephen Harper. Have you ever seen anyone so charisma challenged? This guy could walk into a room in Florida and put frost on the walls. His apologists like to say that he is warm and charming and witty in caucus. So how come he can’t translate all that supposed charm to the Canadian voter? The only image he presents to the public is that of the policy wonk which his background is. When he has a valid point to make arguing in the House about Liberal corruption you would think he has the righteous indignation of Canadians on his side. Instead he comes across as an annoying, supercilious, hectoring schoolmaster. Personally, I thought it would be much easier for him to make the transition to party leader than it has been. In fact I even wrote on these pages a few years back that I thought Stephen Harper was the guy to lead what was then the Alliance Party to an electoral breakthrough. Oops! I was wrong (but I think that was the only time). The Conservatives will only make inroads when the leader is someone who the voter can relate to and right now, Stephen Harper is not that individual. Publicly, the party has stood behind Mr. Harper and given him their full support but one has to wonder how much longer they will be satisfied to be also-rans especially when the Liberals hand them gift-wrapped opportunities like Adscam. Unless the polls start to show a demonstrable upswing in the next few months, Stephen Harper’s days as Conservative Party leader are numbered.

The other major problem that the Conservatives have is their make up. Since the merger of the Progressive Conservative Party and the Alliance Party to form the Conservative Party of Canada, Canadians have suspected they are being sold a bill of goods. The party seems frequently hijacked by the most fervent of the former Reform Party crowd.

Canadians, read Ontario, didn’t trust the Reform Party and they don’t trust this new tarted up version either. How many times in articles and news reports or letters to the editor has the trust factor been mentioned? It always comes down to the same thing; the vast majority of Canadian voters think the Conservative Party has a hidden agenda and are reluctant to take the chance voting for them. Too much of the wild-eyed knuckle-dragging reputation continues to cling to the Conservatives and as long as the likes of Cheryl Gallant, Randy White, Myron Thompson, and Stockwell Day are around, that perception is not going to change.

The tactics of the Conservative Party are also suspect. One of the dumbest moves they made came back to haunt them on the budget vote when former member Chuck Cadman who then ran as an independent and still won, voted against bringing down the government. Tough to be done in by a guy you dumped from the party.

The old Reform voices are now screaming louder and louder about Alberta separation and how Ontario is too stupid to be allowed to decide who will govern Canada because they keep returning the Liberals to power. Telling people they are stupid is probably not the best way to win their support but Stephen Harper doesn’t seem to be able to reign in this radical side of the Conservative Party. And let’s face it, until he can control them, the Conservatives will never have a chance to form a government.

The union between Alliance (Reform) and the Progressive Conservatives might have seemed like a good idea on paper but in practical terms, it has so far proven to be a dismal failure. Again we must come back to the trust factor. The only reason that the merger took place was so the Alliance Party could make inroads into Ontario using the PCs respectable clothes. It was a painfully transparent attempt to gain the favour of the Ontario voter who saw through the plan immediately. This was the same old gang they had rejected many times before but just better dressed. The result was predictable in last year’s federal election as the Conservatives did not have the confidence of the majority of the voters.

You can place all the blame you want on Belinda Stronach crossing the floor of the House of Commons, or blame Chuck Cadman for voting with the government but the real blame lies within the party itself. Had it done a better job of presenting itself honestly and openly as a Conservative Party rather than the remnants of Reform, they might already be the government. There would be no need to whine over a close budget vote.

The Conservatives need a complete makeover from top to bottom. That means a new leader (probably Peter MacKay), a new moderate set of policies, and the ouster of the radical elements from the old Reform Party. Until those things happen, the Conservatives will always be on the outside looking in.

                                                            Tumbleweed of the Month

                                                           Like, You Can’t Guess, Eh? 

Seriously, did you think I could leave l’affaire Stronach alone? Not on your life. It was a mighty exciting few days in Canadian politics when the auto parts heiress stabbed Stephen Harper and her erstwhile beau, the hapless Peter MacKay in the back with her defection to the Liberals. And the defection also showed why the Liberals are Canada’s version of the natural governing party; they’re prepared to do what it takes to hang on to power. Stephen Harper and his conglomeration of misfits just don’t fire the imagination of the majority of Canadians. In short, they are the political version of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players but more about them elsewhere in this issue.

The Tumbleweed of the Month spotlight shines brightly on Ms. Stronach, that political Delilah this month for her courageous or let’s face it, opportunistic crossing of the floor of the House of Commons to sit as a Liberal with visions of her new cabinet post dancing in her head. In her tearful press conference announcing her decision, she made all the right sounds about how difficult a choice it had been to make and that the issues surrounding that choice were complex indeed. Prime Minister Paul Martin beamed like the proverbial Cheshire cat along side her. Stephen Harper on the other hand looked more gob-smacked than usual and offered the observation that complexity and Belinda Stronach are not often mentioned in the same sentence. The man in search of a charm transplant had uttered a witty riposte to the reporters’ questions about the uneasy relationship between the two. However, it fell far short of the standard set by the master himself, the Right Honourable John G. Diefenbaker. When asked his opinion of Jack Horner’s move from the Conservatives to the Liberals he offered the classic line that it “raised the IQ on both sides of the House.” Ouch!

To anybody that has been paying attention, it was obvious that our Jezebel Belinda Stronach was never a real Tory. Her father, Frank, the founder of Magna International was also a long time supporter of the Liberal Party so dear daughter Belinda came by her true political affiliation honestly. Lucretia Stronach has never believed in starting at the bottom and her brief waltz with the Conservative Party was only because she saw it as a faster way to a party leadership and a potential seat as the Prime Minister one day. When she lost her leadership bid to the intellectual and seemingly aloof Harper and had to slug it out in the trenches as an opposition MP that was not to milady’s taste.

Reports of friction in caucus between Mr. Harper and his high maintenances diva became more and more frequent on the Hill. It all came to a head before the critical budget vote when Salome Stronach veered away from the party line and opined that she didn’t agree with the tactics of her leader and that an election right now was not good for her riding north of Toronto nor indeed did she feel it was necessary or right for the entire country. Belinda weighed the decision to dash across the floor after an upbraiding from Harper over her comments. A secret meeting with former Ontario premier David Peterson was fruitful and she believed that she could make the switch.

The scenario was out of some B-grade thriller; there were secret meetings in Ottawa hotel rooms and discussions with aides to gauge her level of interest. When the people lower down on the political food chain were satisfied, Paul Martin was contacted and invited her to the Prime Minister’s residence at 24 Sussex Drive to hammer out the final details.

How well were the negotiations kept under wraps? Well, Tory leader Harper apparently was told that la Stronach would defect only a quarter of an hour before the famous press conference. She didn’t even tell the guy who had been sharing her bed for six months. Peter MacKay, colleague and lover, was one of the last to find out about the Liberal coup. Et tu, Belinda? And then to add insult to injury, he was the one who had to tell Stephen Harper the good news. I guess there are some things just too intimate even for pillow talk. He was so devastated that he disappeared for a few days before the crucial budget vote back to the safe haven of the Nova Scotia. The CBC interview showed the hangdog look of a guy who had just been dumped by his high profile girl friend on national television. Now I don’t know about you but guys, yes, especially the guys, doesn’t this tell you really all you need to know about the woman’s ambition? Could you have made a life with that kind of woman Peter? Be thankful that you’re rid of her. Sorry. That was just a little male angst creeping in there.  

So the Liberals engineered their survival with Ms. Bonnie Stronach’ defection and Chuck Cadman’s vote (I knew the Tories would come to regret their treatment of Mr. Cadman during last fall’s nomination process).

Belinda was vilified as a turncoat, and accused of “whoring” herself by the knuckle dragging Tony Abbott who is a pastor no less. That’s not a congregation I want to belong to. One other Tory MP called her a dipstick. It’s nice to see the standards of decorum are still alive in parliament.

Thank you, Belinda Stronach for staying true to your guiding principles of opportunism. Thanks for pushing the nonstop muck of the Adscam revelations off the front pages for a few days. But most of all, thank you for becoming truly deserving Tumbleweed of the Month for June. It’s an achievement even your money can’t buy but don’t let that stop you from trying. I am open to any and all offers!