Interview With Nobody Really

The First Annual (Maybe)

 Prairie Post Quiz 

Stop the eye rolling now! The concept is not as lame as you think. January is the get-it- back-on-track month after the December holiday season excess so I thought I would start you out easy with a quiz based on the past year’s Prairie Post features to warm up those neurons or synapses; to stimulate the little grey cells as the great Hercule Poirot might say. Besides, it’s a sneaky way to write a year-in review piece without calling it that( and the fact that everyone I wanted to interview was out Christmas shopping, out of town, or at a party-you don’t suppose they were trying to avoid me, do you?).

The rules are simple: there are no rules and cheating is allowed. Heck, if kidnapping your neighbour’s cat can get her (the neighbour I mean-not the cat) to find the answer for you then go ahead. Answers appear at the end of this quiz. You might want to record your answers on a piece of paper and score yourself when you’re done. All set? Good. Here we go:

Question 1. This one is a puffball to get you started: Where are most of the Prairie Post interviews conducted? For a 10 point bonus: In what particular piece of furniture are the guests pampered with?  

Question 2. Which classic T. V. character does Madame Justice Myra Bielby most resemble?

Question 3. What world famous department store did Madame Justice Myra Bielby surprise me in? For a 10 point bonus: What was I holding at the time?

Question 4. What fun-lovin’, wife-beating, no-nonsense kind of guy made a return to the Alberta political spotlight in 2004?

Question 5. What Tumbleweed of the Month “just snapped” in his words, after being “stressed?”

Question 6. Name the environmental activist and former Edmontonian who found the environment surrounding a Halifax bridge extremely damaging to his existence.

Question 7. What name set off an angry outburst from Bill Comrie during the course of our interview?

Question 8. What sports scoop did the Prairie Post break in 2004?

Question 9. What was the real reason Ralph Klein preferred to fly on Alberta government aircraft rather than commercial flights to various functions?

Question 10. What major body part did Peter Elzinga have removed in 2004?

Question 11. What does this quote refer to? “His Samsonite shall never thus be fouled.” Hint: It wasn’t Hamlet cancelling a Christmas Eve Jetsgo flight.

Question 12. Name the most prominent piece of plagiarism in Alberta in 2004.

Question 13. What famous historian does this work least resemble in intellectual content, argument, and structure?

Question 14. Another easy one so the intellectually challenged among you get at least some points (Even I don’t want to see Bill Comrie completely shut out): Name the Tumbleweed of the Year for 2004. For those a little more gifted, 10 bonus points if you can name the runners up.

Question 15. There was one month in 2004 in which a regular edition of the Prairie Post did not appear. What was the reason?

Question 16. A flashback question for our old-timers, er, veteran readers: What was the name of the cocktail waitress in the Dover Hotel lounge where we met Chief Justice Al Wachowich for his interview?

Question 17. What blockbuster coup of an interview did the Prairie Post come up with in 2004?

Question 18. What do the letters “BSE” stand for?

Question 19. Which Alberta government minister most resembles a cow if you compare their pictures?

Question 20. Can Shirley McClellan be stopped?

Question 21. What make of vehicle is the luxurious Prairie Post limo?

Question 22. Who interrupted the Dr. Steve West interview and whom Dr. West was most secretive about?

Question 23. What does Chief Justice Al Wachowich wear under his judicial robes? Hint: Victoria’s Secret catalogues have appeared in his mail box but this could be a red herring or even better, a red negligee with a little see-through push up . . . sorry. I got carried away.

Question 24. What children’s toy did we speculate that Chief Justice Al Wachowich viewed Madame Justice Bielby as?

Question 25. Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?

Question 26. Was this a complete waste of time and will the Prairie Post do better next month?

Answers

Now I suppose you want some answers, huh? Here you are. Okay, score 10 points for each correct answer to see how you did.

Question 1. The famous Prairie Post interview studio is in a garage: albeit nicely appointed but still a garage. Award yourself the 10 bonus points if you knew the guests were cosseted in the famous green Naugahyde recliner. I’m sorry but “chair” as an answer gets no bonus.

Question 2. Myra Bielby most resembles the “Log Lady” from that quirky television series Twin Peaks.

Question 3. Justice Myra Bielby surprised me in the Bay. For the 10 point bonus, I was holding a package of Stanfields underwear which I dropped.

Question 4. The answer of course is none other than Dr. Doom himself, Dr. Steve West. Hurriedly shunted aside after the election in November and conveniently now the fall guy, perhaps he should consider changing his nickname to Dr. Dud.

Question 5. It was the tearful Svend Robinson who lifted a $50,000 ring he wanted badly for his significant other. I guess he was light-fingered as well as light, well, you know.

Question 6. That was the inimitable gadfly, Tooker Gomberg. Alas, his sustainable development stopped rather suddenly.

Question 7. I called Bill Comrie “Billy” and he took umbrage or at least a lot of the umbrage and hardly left any for me. Award the bonus 10 points if you answered “Beaker.” “Prick at the Brick” while not politically correct, is also acceptable.

Question 8. We found out that Mike Comrie was canoodling with another Oiler player’s wife and sealed the deal for his unceremonious exit from Big “E.” I don’t think he received an “assist” with respect to the Missus.

Question 9. Ralph Klein likes to fly Air Ralph so he can drink and smoke unobserved and unhassled as he soars over the heads of all the Marthas and Henrys that adore him. Just think of the aircraft as Ralph’s personal party room at 21,000 feet.

Question 10. Peter Elzinga had a kidney removed which he subsequently donated to an ailing friend in a true unselfish act of humanitarianism. Give yourself a 10 point bonus if you said “brain” just before planning the last provincial election campaign for the Tories.

Question 11. See question 9. Ralph’s travel by government aircraft to avoid the hoi polloi.

Question 12. The singularly quoted piece of plagiarism in Alberta for 2004 was of course Ralph Klein’s term paper which he lifted (copied and pasted really) from the internet. If you read the excerpts, he didn’t even do that particularly well.

Question 13. Arthur Schlesinger Jr. for which Mr. Schlesinger is eternally grateful.

Question 14. You’re welcome, Bill. The Tumbleweed of the Year was Ralph Klein. Bonus 10 points go to you if you knew the three runners up were Shirley McClellan, Svend Robinson, and Chief Justice Al Wachowich. You must have named all three. No partial points are awarded I’m afraid.

Question 15. In a word, hurricanes.

Question 16. The lovely but weary Millie, was the long suffering cocktail waitress and apple of the Chief Justice’s inebriated eye.

Question 17. We managed to get the Ghermezian Brothers, sans Bahman who apparently was off somewhere impersonating a Zamboni.  You may be interested to know that after the conclusion of that session, we asked if the Ghermezians had sought help for their troubled brother. They assured us they had, or at least they would as soon as a minor hockey tournament at the mall was finished because they needed the additional ice-cleaning capacity. If you said we’ve never had a blockbuster interview then deduct 10 points you jerk!

Question 18. The letters “BSE” stand for Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, otherwise more commonly called mad cow disease and one of the big stories in Alberta in 2004. Give yourself a 10 point bonus for creativity if you said “Bitch Slap Elzinga.”  

Question 19. Hooves down, it’s Shirley McClellan.

Question 20. Rhetorical question and give yourself an automatic 10 points. You’re welcome again, Bill.

Question 21. 1988 Lada, but in nice shape with less than 200,000 kms. New clutch. Needs some bodywork. $300.00 OBO. Call after 6 P.M. on weekends.

Question 22. The Remax agent who was hanging “For Sale” signs all over the Legislature Building. Fortunately, the signs came down almost as fast as Dr. Steve (You have to be cruel to be kind) West.

Question 23. We actually don’t know but if you do, give yourself 10 points and call us NOW!

Question 24. It was a Wham-O yoyo. For those of you who thought something else entirely; that’s not a child’s toy. Minus 10 points for you, you pervert!

Question 25. You’re not under oath. Say whatever you want. Get it off your chest. No one’s going to know. (Darn! I can never find that CSIS number in the phone book!)

Question 26. Yes, and yes.

How did you rate?

250-320 Wow! You really are a fan and have no life outside the Prairie Post. Hey! Get up! Go outside you loser! Read a book for crying out loud. Either that or you cheated (but you still have no life).

200-250 You would have done better had you spent more time reading this site instead of surfing for porn!

100-200 Not bad. But you see they were right when they said those drugs would eventually damage your brain!

50-100 I’m surprised you know how to operate this computer. Are you sure you logged on without help? Is this the only computer at the Home?

0-50 Better luck next year, Bill! 

                                                                      Perspective 

There were so many choices to write about just a few short days ago. Perhaps I could comment on Ralph Klein’s newly engaged self. Or perhaps I could say a few words about Ralph’s intent to privatize healthcare. Or maybe I could just write the generic column looking back over 2004 and review the highlights and lowlights of the year just past. Then again, how about the hopeful, 2005 will be better school of New Year’s commentary?

Christmas Day 2004 changed that. Of course, that was the day the massive earthquake happened near the Island of Sumatra in Indonesia. The resulting tsunami killed 100,000 people in the Southeast Asian countries that rim the Indian Ocean. Even as I write this, the estimates of the number of dead are rising hourly. By the time you read this, there may be half a million people dead. One can barely imagine the immensity of such a calamity but here it was, on our television screens, in horrifying reality.

Think about it. In the matter of a few moments, while you were sleeping off that Christmas turkey, the lives of thousands were snuffed out while countless hundreds of thousands more were seriously injured. Their lives will never be the same. Nor will the countries they inhabited or happened to be visiting since many of those areas are tourist havens during the North American and European winter months. No country remained unaffected.

Even the geography changed. Sumatra, scientists estimate, moved nearly a hundred feet southeast. The rotation of the earth was slowed by three microseconds. Can you imagine the forces that could shift such a large land mass almost a hundred feet in a few seconds or actually slow the earth’s rotation? Once again, our arrogant, puny little species is taught a sobering lesson in ultimate power. No matter how miraculous and wondrous the technological and intellectual achievements of humanity may look, they pale in comparison to the sheer power of nature. The Christmas earthquake was a brutal and humbling reminder of that fact.

Personally, even after experiencing first hand the devastation by the four hurricanes that struck Florida this past summer, I can’t begin to comprehend destruction that is exponentially more widespread and more severe. With all due respect to those in Florida who lost lives and property, in comparison, the hurricane season was but a minor inconvenience.

I urge you to take time today to think about those poor souls half a world away but as close as your living room. Perhaps some of your friends or relatives on vacation or visiting their homeland were lost or injured. Think about the thousands of desperate families grieving over or searching for lost loved ones. Think about the thousands of children who are now orphans or who have lost brothers, sisters, and cousins. The effects of this disaster will last for generations.

When the next blizzard hits, or your car won’t start, or you lose your job, or interest rates go up, take time to reflect on the events of Christmas Day 2004. Cherish the ones you love. But most of all, put your own particular situation in perspective and appreciate how truly fortunate you. You never know. In the next few seconds, it could all be gone.

                                                              Tumbleweed of the Month

                                                                Here’s Your Hat, 2004

                                                                 What’s Your Hurry? 

Gedouddahhere! And fast! Yep. Can’t say I’m sorry to see 2004 in the rearview mirror. As the dear Queen Elizabeth II once said, it was our “annis horribilis.” Every time I write that it seems naughty somehow but no matter. Indeed, 2004 wasn’t one of the great years of all time but can a year be a Tumbleweed of the Month. There seems to be some chronological incongruity or confusion here but according to the hallowed Prairie Post Mission Statement, the Tumbleweed can be a person, place, or thing. Surely, a calendar unit such as a year qualifies in there somewhere. Oh, alright. I’ll get on with it.

The year 2004 was the year of Carolyn Parrish. The year should be Tumbleweed for that alone because I’ve just written two more sentences than she deserves.  

The year also treated us, if that’s the right word, to seemingly non-stop election coverage especially from south of the border. Has anybody asked themselves why the largest, most powerful, most technologically advanced country on the face of the earth takes two years to elect a president? I don’t get it either.

After all that campaigning, mudslinging, and downright prevarication, our neighbours to the south re-elected George W. Bush to another term as President of the United States. You would think after all that time to consider the choices; they might have done a better job in the end.

It was interesting to hear how the cable news talking heads and instant pundits analyzed the results. It was a triumph of values; it was a shift to conservatism and a backlash against liberal elites; it was red states vs. blue states. Now, as most of you know, I’m not averse to a bit of amateur punditry myself. I think it was a lot simpler and a lot more obvious. The majority of Americans who never read newspapers and think that talk radio is news voted for the guy that they perceived doesn’t get it just as they don’t get it. That’s why these same people disliked Bill Clinton so much. He was a lot smarter than they were and they didn’t trust him. John Kerry battled against the same thing but to be honest, the Democrats shot themselves in the foot with the charisma-challenged Kerry.

It was such a strange year that American television viewers (well, the noisy ones at least)  got excited and irate over the flash of Janet Jackson’s boob during the Super Bowl halftime show but hardly noticed when some of their best and brightest young people were getting killed and maimed in a suspect “war” on terror. You tell me which event is the biggest affront to decency.

Of course 2004 spread its wackiness north of the 49^th parallel as well. The election overload continued with the federal election in Canada. The stumbling Paul Martin, desperate to get the job he groomed himself for his entire political career, squeaked in with a minority government. Stephen Harper, aloof and intellectually superior (which we distrust as well) and newly installed as leader of a party which is neither fish nor fowl, saw his dreams go up in a puff of smoke from Ralph Klein’s fires. Et tu, Ralph?

In 2004, the Ralph Klein Follies played nearly every week. Dr. Steve West was brought in as Chief of Staff after the departure of Peter Elzinga and the change in style was instantly obvious. The Premier ambled and meandered through the year and appeared totally disinterested. He suffered more from foot in mouth disease than the mad cow crisis. Even though he finished the year with another huge majority at the polls, the “Kleinfeld” campaign about nothing as some wag dubbed it, lost 13 seats for the PCs. Steve West, to no one’s sorrow, was given the hook while the real culprits for the listless campaign, Elzinga and Moore, escaped public upbraiding. Rod Love, that blast from the past, took over as Chief of Staff and immediately cleaned house. This year should be interesting or at least, entertaining.

Civic elections did not escape the curse of 2004 either. Although the election of Stephen Mandel as mayor in Edmonton can be viewed as surprising but positive, the mayoralty campaign did nothing to cover the candidates in glory. In Calgary, the Ward 10 shenanigans have all the indicators of a classic corrupt election. Charges and countercharges flew thicker than a Hung Pham campaign speech. Now Bob Clark, whose track record in spotting indiscretion qualifies him to be a CFL referee, is going to look into the matter. Don’t hold your breath.

The year 2004 clinched as Tumbleweed on more factors than election burnout. Alberta’s cattle industry was devastated by the mad cow overreaction. The sad part is that the person who is being hailed as the hero of the situation, the overrated Shirley McClellan, contributed to the crisis in the first place with her elk farming experiment interfering with the timely testing of Alberta’s beef herds. She was also in charge of the dubious 400 million dollar bailout that suspiciously padded the bottom lines of American-owned packing plants. Now, as a reward, she is finance minister. Shirley must have some seriously compromising pictures of Ralph Klein safely tucked away somewhere.

Sorry Calgarians, but as an Oiler fan, 2004 was just dismal. The thought that the Flames came that close to winning the Stanley Cup still leaves me twitching nervously. Can you imagine how much more insufferable Flames fans would have been had they actually won? It scares me to even think about it. Fortunately, my other home team, the Tampa Bay Lightning, saved us from further boorishness.

And now, as I write, there is still no NHL hockey due to the lockout. The game cannot afford to be playing politics and egos this way. Already, in the United States, hockey has faded from the consciousness of even diehard fans. The casual fan is already asking “What’s hockey?” Even in Canada, people are finding other things to do like spend time with their families. O! The sacrilege! Get it together Bob and Gary before it’s too late. Bowling might make a comeback for God’s sake!

The weather was a little weird in 2004 as well. The great July hail storm in Edmonton had pictures of the ice-encrusted and flooded Whitemud Freeway splashed all over the world. Many of you are still making repairs. And, as you probably know from these pages, I had my own interesting weather experiences with Hurricanes Charley, Frances, Ivan, and Jeanne. Good riddance to 2004 for those alone.

As if 2004 hadn’t slapped us enough, on Christmas Day (our time), one of the most massive earthquakes recorded struck near Indonesia. The 9.1 magnitude quake created a Tsunami that devastated the coastal areas of much of Southeast Asia. The death toll is rising by the thousands hourly as the true scope of this disaster becomes apparent. As I write, it is over 100,000 dead. Incomprehensible. It was a vicious parting shot to a year I’m not sad to see depart.

This past year, 2004, deserves to be Tumbleweed on so many levels. In the words of a certain California Governor, also newly elected in 2004, “Hasta la vista, baby!” I’m not sorry to see it go. None of that auld lang syne crap from me. This year, 2005, has to be better, right? Right? Please.