Interview with Bill Smith

Driving Mr. Dizzy

(As We Imagine It) 

There are times when I swear they do it deliberately. I’m talking about some of our favourite subjects for the Prairie Post. It’s almost as if they go out of their way to do something incredibly stupid just to give us material to write about. I mean, you just can’t make some of this stuff up! Take our very own Mr. Sunshine, the inimitable Mayor of Edmonton, Hizzoner Bill Smith (cue Henny Youngman-“Please!”).

You see, the other day I was reading about Mr. Smith’s very laudable campaign about reducing the carnage on the streets of the fair City of Edmonton due to careless and incompetent driving. If you drive in Edmonton, then you know that traffic accidents are a serious problem. It’s getting so bad, I’ll bet the only phone number you’ve committed to memory besides your home number and the office phone is your insurance agent’s. If any of you answered by reciting your mistress’s number then you’re leading a way more exciting life than mine, you jerk, and you don’t have time to think about safe driving, at least not in the sense intended here. But I digress. How many near misses did you have on your way to work this morning? Anyway, like I said, a campaign to improve the awareness and skill of Edmonton drivers is most commendable (quit snickering Calgarians-you people are even worse). You would think that with Mayor Smith solidly behind such an effort, we would all be proud of a politician leading by example. Alas, were it so.

Remember that old expression from the 60s; if your not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem or something like that? Well, Bill Knievel, er Smith, is definitely part of the problem. It seems our crusading Lord Mayor has recently been ticketed for running a red light, accused of another such incident by a keenly observant citizen, and has been involved in a minor accident while backing out of a parking stall into another vehicle. Having Bill Chitwood, er Smith as the chief cheerleader for a road safety campaign seems akin to having Foster Brooks talk up AA.

Then an idea struck me. It was definitely an idea and not Bill Petty, er Smith, because I was not out in traffic but inside cataloguing my collection of Carolyn Parrish dumb outbursts (I think I need to computerize the whole thing because I’m running out of boxes and space to keep them). I thought; why not accompany Mr. Smith on one of his Vanishing Point cruises about the city to get a keen sense of his commitment to the safety campaign. After all, you have to admit that his heart (if not his head) is in the right place and in an effort to ensure mine also remained in the right place (as inside my body), I duly presented myself at City Hall beside the Mayor’s crest-emblazoned Ford Explorer with crash helmet and first aid kit in hand.

Q. Good morning, your Honour.

A. Good morning. I’m still not sure why I agreed to this. Just like all those other times you wrote nonsense about me, you’re going to make me out as a perfect idiot, aren’t you?

Q. Mr. Smith, please. My intentions are pure and honourable. I was so impressed by how you embraced the need to eliminate the slaughter on the streets of Edmonton, I knew I had to talk to you about it and what better place to do so than in actual city traffic accompanying you on your legendary drives around and about our fair city. Besides, nobody’s perfect.

A. Okay, if that is your real reason for riding with me.

Q. Absolutely.

A. Climb in then and let’s go.

Q. Can you wait just one second while I strap on this helmet?

A. Are you making fun of me already?

Q. No, no, not at all. I, like you, am extremely concerned over the number of accidents on Edmonton streets and speaking of numbers, you never know when yours might be up. It’s just a little protection from the nut cases on wheels, that’s all.

A. With a full face shield?

Q. Can’t be too protected, can one?

A. No, I suppose not. I have a feeling you’re trying to make a point.

Q. Okay, I’m just about ready. Just let me cinch up this seat belt and if you don’t mind, I brought a little piece of duct tape to secure my first aid kit within easy reach in the event of a collision.

A. You ARE making fun of me, aren’t you?

Q. No, Bill, really I’m not. May I call you Bill?

A. I prefer Your Worship. Are you ready, now?

Q. Yes, Your Worship. Let’s roll! Just don’t roll over.

A. Nonsense. I have keen eyes and excellent reflexes. In fact, I’ll say, my reactions are every bit as quick and sharp as they were when I played for the Edmonton Eskimos many years ago.

Q. Really? Actually, I did know that you played professional football but I was too young to watch you during your heyday. You used helmets back then, right?

A. Of course. Why do you ask?

Q. Oh, no reason. Historical interest, I suppose.

A. Okay, let me back out of my stall here in the fantastic City Hall parking garage.

Q. Did you feel that?

A. Feel what?

Q. That little bump. Did you hit something?

A. Of course not.

Q. How come that tail light on the car there is broken and there are pieces of red lens on the ground?

A. You see? That’s just what my campaign, dare I call it a crusade, is all about.

Q. I’d rather you didn’t.

A. Didn’t what?

Q. Call it a crusade. I’m a little sensitive about that.

A. Why is that?

Q. It’s a long story on various levels.

A. Yeah and we’re on the exit level.

Q. What?

A. The exit level. We’re on the exit level.

Q. No, I meant that . . . never mind.

A. As I was saying, that is what this campaign is all about and what has energized me. I can’t even get Stephen Mandel on side. See how he brought his car to work with a broken taillight? That’s unsafe.

Q. That’s Stephen Mandel’s car?

A. Shameful, eh? You’d think he would embrace a campaign promoting safe driving, wouldn’t you? He’d better get that fixed.

Q. But didn’t you just hit . . .

A. I thought we’d head down Jasper Avenue first. That OK?

Q. Ah, yeah, sure. Since you mentioned Stephen Mandel, let me ask you a question.

A. Alright. Go ahead.

Q. Do you believe that Mr. Mandel will be a strong challenge in the upcoming mayoralty race?

A. No, of course not. He thinks he has the support of Wes Alexander but I can tell you Wes really is in my camp. He assured me of that when we talked the other day.

Q. That’s funny because Robert Noce, another of your opponents told me Wes had been to see him and offer his support.

A. No, that can’t be. Wes is solidly behind me so Bob is just blowing smoke.

Q. Let’s hope he’s not behind or in front of you when you’re driving.

A. And like I said, Mandel is no problem. Besides, I think ol’ Steve has a few skeletons in his closet that could make the light of day before October if you get my drift plus he doesn’t have my fantastic broad vision.

Q. Speaking of broad vision, didn’t you see that woman on the bike there? You nearly ran her into a light post.

A. Let’s turn here at 105 St. Say; didn’t you used to have something to do with the Liberty Building there on the corner?

Q. Don’t remind me. Hey! Watch out! This isn’t one-way anymore!

A. That’s why I’m going to win another term as Mayor. You see how the people wave at me, don’t you? What a tremendous base of support! Look, even that handicapped fellow there, is waving at me. Tremendous. It’s just fantastic.

Q. Handicapped? He isn’t handicapped. What are you talking about?

A. Don’t you see how the man’s hand is grossly misshapen so he can only raise that one finger to wave? Bravo! Thanks, fellow Edmontonian. Have a nice day!

Q. Are you kidding me? We’re driving on the wrong side of the road!

A. There. Don’t you see why I need to be out here observing people’s aggressive behaviour on our streets? Did you see how close that guy came to hitting us with his pickup?

Q. Unbelievable! You just blew through that stop sign! He was taking evasive action!

A. That’s the thing about having my name in large letters on the door of my Explorer. People recognize me and follow my example of safe driving. Just knowing I’m out on the streets makes them act differently.

Q. Yeah, it makes them want to stay home and I guess that sort of visibility makes it easier to file the police reports.

A. What was that? I couldn’t hear you very well. The emergency vehicle sirens deafened me for a second. I wonder where they’re headed. Oh, look, there’s an accident at the very intersection we just passed. That guy in the pickup drove over the curb right into a store window. People! People! Slow down and drive with care. Somebody’s going to get killed.

Q. Well, I finally agree with you about something. Hey! You can’t turn left here at this time of day! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

A. Don’t yell in the car. It’s very distracting and when a driver is distracted he is a very unsafe driver.

Q. You’re not kidding.

A. No, even though I’m good-natured and enjoy a joke as well as the next man, you can’t kid around when it comes to being a safe driver.

Q. He was …. He wassss . . . he wassss . . . coming . . . right at my . . . side.

A. You OK? You don’t look too well. Do you have asthma or something?

Q. No. I’m fine I think. We nearly got T-boned!

A. Yes, this struggle to improve traffic safety in the City of Edmonton is not going to be easy as long as there are inconsiderate drivers like that on the road. Slow down and think people. Nobody’s in that much of a hurry. Just let everybody calm down so that we all arrive at our destinations safely. Is that too complicated? Is that too much to ask? Let’s scoot over to the South Side on the High Level Bridge.

Q. Do we have to?

A. Don’t tell me you’re afraid of heights. Well, well, well. I never would have taken you for somebody who is afraid of heights. Say, isn’t that Al Wachowich walking down the street carrying that fat brown envelope? I wonder what he’s doing over here by the Government Centre LRT station. “Hi Al! How are you doing? Be careful, buddy. There are a bunch of lunatics loose on the streets today.” Nice man. Do you see how modest he is? He could act like a big shot since he is the Chief Justice and all but no, not Al Wachowich. In fact, he is such a modest man he almost acted shocked to see us, like he was hiding or something. That is truly refreshing in this day of hyper-inflated egos.

Q. That’s something you know about.

A. What was that?

Q. Ah, nothing. I was merely marveling at the prominent people you run into, bad choice of words, ah see, yes, see as you go about.

A. Yes, amazing isn’t it? I wouldn’t want any other job and that’s why I am going to win in October. I have unfinished business and there will be new blood on council.

Q. So far, I am relieved there’s no new blood on your Explorer.

A. Exactly as I was saying. New blood on council will be tremendously invigorating. It’ll be fantastic!

Q. You’re going a little too fast aren’t you?

A. What’s that?

Q. I said, I think you’re going a little too fast.

A. Sorry, I can’t quite hear you over the sound of that hothead screaming out of his car window.

Q. YOU’RE GOING TOO FAST TO MAKE THE TURN AT THE END OF THE BRIDGE!

A. You see how this Explorer just hugs the road?

Q. You just made that guy run head on into the bridge railing. Shouldn’t we stop and see if he’s OK?

A. You re right. I’ll stop if you want to get out here. After all, I’m very busy and I’m sure you are too. Let me just say before you go that this interview was much more pleasant than I expected. You were quite well-behaved. Don’t forget to stay safe and get the word out about my safe driving initiative.

Q. Oh, don’t worry about that, Your Honour. Anything that involves you driving, I’ll be sure to warn, I mean inform people every opportunity I get.

A. That’s tremendous. Let me just get out of this traffic to let you off.

Q. Oh my god!

A. Recognize an old friend?

Q. No. You just cut across two lanes of traffic in front of a bus and a tractor trailer to get to the curb and then park on the sidewalk.

A. Yes, I wanted to make sure you could get out of the car safely. Remember, always think safety. Those truck drivers were a prime example of the road rage I want eliminated from the streets of Edmonton.

Q. I’m just happy to get out alive. I thought I was going to get eliminated.

A. How are you going to get back downtown? I can give you a lift later.

Q. No, thank you. I’ll take the LRT.

A. Splendid! Support Edmonton Transit and be safe. You know, I might just have to adjust my opinion of you. Good bye.

Q. Thanks, I think. Good bye. Whew! I think I’m within walking distance of the University Hospital. Better get checked out at emergency. I don’t know how long a human body can sustain a pulse rate of 180! If I survive, see you next month.

                                                                              Smith

                                                                The Name Says It All 

For those of you who begin the Prairie Post each month by reading the editorial to catch a theme for the month’s offering you will discover the name Smith throughout. For those of you who just barge in anywhere; what the hell is wrong with you? You’re blowing the whole concept.

The other night I was pondering a dreary, cold, wet summer and half awake, thought I should have polished my skills as a swimmer to much more than my present level of capability in case the rains continue and there was no option but to swim. Of course, thinking about swimming inevitably led me to think about the first family of Alberta swimming which was the famous Smith family. You’re now getting a glimpse of how my thought processes work. Slightly scary, wouldn’t you say?

Anyway, that line of thought led me on to consider what other famous Smiths might have graced (or perhaps shamed depending on your point of view) our fair province. Let’s see; there was Joyce Smith who was an Edmonton area country singer who had some real talent and appeared on CFRN’s old Noon Show frequently with the late Gaby Haas. She covered a couple of Patsy Cline songs as I recall and did a better than average job of it although at my tender age, my musical criticism skills were in their formative years so take my opinion with a grain of salt. I wonder if Ms. Smith is still with us. I haven’t heard about her for years although I understand she played the local country music club circuit foe a few years after the schlocky Noon Show met its end.

There was a contemporary of Ms. Smith’s called Hank Smith who was also a local country singer but to my taste was extremely deficient in the talent department. Even my young ears rebelled at the whispering sandiness of his voice. Since I don’t follow the local country scene, I presume his career also followed the local club path.

There was George Wilbert Smith, a one time mayor of the lovely City of Red Deer during the First World War serving in that position in 1916 and 1917. He has an elementary school named in his honour in the city. Beyond that, I know little of Mr. Smith’s achievements but I assume they must have been memorable. After all, the good folk of Red Deer named a school after him, didn’t they?

I believe Red Deer also lays claim to a less honourable but no less memorable Smith. Ronald Smith was sentenced to die by lethal injection for the murder of two Montana men in 1982. The case became a cause celebre amongst Canadian human rights activists and 18 years after that sentence, was still being appealed through state and federal U.S. courts. Currently, Mr. Smith is on his last appeal.

Of course, we have the E. L. Smith Water Treatment Plant in Edmonton and who can forget the famous Steve Smith, onetime defenseman for the Edmonton Oilers who painfully scored on his own net in a crucial game against Calgary to take what may have been the greatest team ever out of the playoffs. Now, he’s an assistant coach with the Flames. I think the fix was in. Where’s the investigation? Conflict of interest I say!  

The Mayor of Edmonton, the famous Bill Smith, ex Eskimo football player and tire magnate is perhaps the most prominent political Smith who has been featured in these pages before and if you look elsewhere in this month’s issue, is the subject of the current interview, Also in the political vein, Murray Smith, the Alberta Energy Minister has just announced that he will not seek re-election in this fall’s anticipated provincial election. You’ll find him as this month’s featured Tumbleweed.

Isn’t it neat to have a theme? I thought you might think so! Who knew what excitement could be generated by the name of the world’s most famous hotel guest? Thus the September issue is: All Smith, All the Time. And for those of you who spoiled the suspense by reading the other parts first, it serves you right for losing the thematic alignment. You probably fell asleep in English class too, didn’t you? Follow the program next time. I’m serious. I really am.

                                                          Tumbleweed of the Month

                                                            Pack a Sweater, Murray 

Near the end of August came a little news item that I don’t believe was widely reported on. To rectify this oversight, and in the spirit of investigation and enlightenment that infuses this humble little cyber-journal, we examined the details more closely and can now confidently announce that the Honourable Murray D. Smith, the PC MLA for Calgary-Varsity and Minister of Energy in the Klein government has been named as the Tumbleweed of the Month for the month of September. Hold your applause please. Oh yeah, and he’s not running for re-election after three lackluster terms. Three strikes your out! Applause now, please.

Mr. Smith, former oil patch entrepreneur, is giving up his gig as Minister of Energy and Man of the People.^TM  Some of us would say it is none too soon. After a little consideration to ponder his accomplishments in the energy portfolio about the only thing memorable was Murray’s famous response to seniors during the extended cold spell last winter. Seniors were concerned that because of rising heating costs and in the absence of natural gas rebates that appeared during the last election, they were using all their disposable income to just keep warm. Some of these people were being forced to make agonizing choices between eating, paying for medication, or keeping warm. Murray’s helpful advice was a symbolic raised middle finger. “Put on a sweater,” commiserated Murray. His empathy was boundless.

Before his landmark career in the energy portfolio, the masterful Murray dazzled Albertans with his stellar tenure as Minister of Economic Development from 1994-1996. In that portfolio, there were several groundbreaking pieces of legislation championed by the capable Mr. Smith and if you give me a few seconds I am sure I can recall them. There was . . . ah, no but certainly I remember that . . . no, not that but he . . . no, that wasn’t him. Let’s see. There must be something that he accomplished. Just give me a few more seconds, please. Right. I’ve got it. I really don’t know how I could have forgotten the elimination of the machinery and equipment tax. Oh, and I think he closed the Alberta trade commission office in Washington, D.C. in another example of the dizzying legislative heights this man has achieved.

I know, I know. Such achievement would mark him for life as a politician of distinction but most of us forget that prior to that, Murray already was labeled as a comer after his employment standards review while Minister of Labour and a major review of gaming policy as minister responsible during his rookie term in the legislature. I hear he had put in hours and hours of overtime in various gaming establishments throughout the province as well as such hardship as having to do research in places like Las Vegas. But that was just Murray, never too tired to go the extra 1200 miles.

In fact, I have a personal anecdote to illustrate Murray’s dedication. I happened to be at a “By Invitation Only” party in Las Vegas a few years ago when Murray was in charge of gaming. To give you an idea of the hardship that our beloved minister was forced to endure, there were girls walking around clipping $100 Cuban (yes, I said Cuban) cigars for you and giving them away. This party had an additional even more exclusive room adjacent to it where Murray had to while away his boredom with pomp and circumstance. Who knows what frightful horrors he was exposed to in there by those dastardly gaming company executives? Way to take one for the team, Murray, being required to work late into the night and the next morning. It must have been taxing or tax incentiving, if that’s a word. He must have been there with his daughter. I assume he has a daughter. You know, she was very attractive and could well have passed for a showgirl. Although, it is true what they say; what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.   

After such a life of self-sacrifice, how should such a legislative icon be rewarded? I’m glad you asked. It seems that Murray has the inside lane to run a new Alberta trade office in beautiful Washington, D. C. I see your brow is furrowed. Yes, this was the same trade office that our hero closed back in 1996. But things are different now. There is a sense of urgency especially in light of the mad cow crisis and the need to keep the dialogue open with the Americans if not the border. Besides, Murray needs a job.

Happy trails, Murray. I wish you all the best in your new endeavour. It must be extremely satisfying to know along with your sizeable government pension, you’ll have the singular honour of entering Washington society as an official Tumbleweed. Say hello to Dubya and Dick for us. I’d really like to say more about you but I know you’d just be embarrassed and besides, I can’t.